I Want to Feel
by EpoBlu
Summary: What could have been during the scene where Quinn breaks down in front on Santana and Brittany in New York. Warning: deals with depression and self-harm. Quintana friendship.
1. chapter 1

SANTANA POV:

"Come on Quinn, open up! I need to repencil my eyebrows on!"

I continue to pound my fist on the door. I turn to Brittany, "Doesn't she get it..?"

I hit the door one more time, but this time it seems to have messed up the lock, unlocking the bathroom door. I turn to Brittany who just shrugs in reply. So I push open the door.

My eyes latch onto Quinn, who is leaning onto the sink, unaware of my newly found presence, seemingly lost in something on her arms. I shakily take a step forward, and begin to see rivers of blood flowing from her wrists, a double-edged razor in one hand.

"Quinn!" I manage to shriek out.

I forcefully grab the razor out of her hand, tossing it into the trash can. Brittany hands me a towel that was haphazardly thrown on the ground and I immediately press it against her arms. I gaze up into her dark hazel eyes.

"Quinn?" I manage to let out a whisper. She replies in the same fashion.

"Don't worry. It will stop soon. It always does."

I try not to think about what she just gave away, instead focusing on washing the blood off of her arms to wrap up with a bandage. I feel horrible. She knows me better than anyone, even Britt, yet I didn't see just how far she had fallen.

"Why did you do it Q?"

"I wanted to feel something for once."

-x-x-x-

 **AN:** I know it's short, just something to introduce. Next chapter will be up shortly! Let me know what you think in the reviews. --Thanks for reading--


	2. Chapter 2

_**"Why did you do it Q?"**_

 _ **"I wanted to feel something for once."**_

-x-x-x-

Santana looks at Quinn. She stares into her eyes and sees nothing but sadness and emptiness.

"What do you mean Q?"

"When Finn dumped me at the funeral, do you know what he asked me San?"

Santana knew it was a rhetorical question, but replied anyway, as if to urge Quinn to continue.

"What did he say?"

"He asked me if I even felt anything anymore. But you know what hurt anymore?"

A short period of silence overcame the two.

"I realized, that _no,_ and that I haven't for a long time."

Santana struggled to understand.

"So you thought pain was better?"

"It reminds me that yes, I am still alive. It gives me a flicker of hope that maybe, just _maybe,_ I'm not completely numb."

The brunette struggled for words, seemingly taken aback by the blonde's statement.

She whispered out, "Why didn't you tell anyone?"

Quinn let out a humorless chuckle,

"I guess I thought it was obvious."

Santana took a couple seconds to remember the years they had been friends. It was in that moment that she remembered how the unholy trinity was never really one. It was always S and B, with Q. It only truly became obvious when Quinn got pregnant, and they turned against her quicker than the wind.

Santana gasped into the empty, crisp air of the hotel bathroom. She just now realized that Brittany was long gone, having noticed the moment between the two girls.

"Quinn I'm so sorry th-" Santana began to say, but Quinn quickly cut her off.

"Whatever, it's fine. The past is in the past right?"

"No! But it's not fine Quinn! If it was fine, we wouldn't be here right now would we!?"

"So now you care? Now that I am some charity case? Nothing would have changed had that stupid door stay locked. I know it, you know it, everyone knows it S! People only begin to _care,_ when it is shoved right in front of their faces!"

Santana was taken aback. Throughout the years, out of the trio, Quinn was always the one who kept her cool. She was always calm and collected, with every move perfectly planned out.

 _Maybe it was all just a perfect facade that's crumbling down._

"So what do you expect me to do? Just _ignore_ it? I can't and won't do that Fabray!"

"Fine. You tell a soul about this? I will pull you out of your closet so far and fast that the world won't known what hit it."

"You wouldn't dare!" Santana seethed. She was trying to help Quinn here, but all she did back was threaten to destroy everything Santana had worked for.

 _And just like that, Ice Queen Quinn is back._

 _-x-x-x-x-x-_

 _ **AN:**_

 ** _-Thanks for reading-_**

 ** _Review if you want another chapter soon!_**


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